If you are in an abusive relationship, telling your spouse you want a divorce can be unpredictable. At best, you may be able to tell them calmly in your home or a public place, then walk away. On the other hand, your spouse may become more violent and telling them could actually be dangerous. However, this should not stop you from escaping a harmful situation. Before you do anything, make a plan. Don't leave anything to chance. Here are some things to consider.
If you have time, store away important items and documents that will be helpful when you file for divorce, such as birth certificates, marriage certificates, insurance policies, proof of income, bank statements, credit card reports. Try to hide some cash if you can in case your spouse closes bank accounts or credit card accounts. Get copies of emails or texts that show proof of verbal abuse and medical records that provide a history of past physical abuse. Also, hide anything of sentimental importance to you. Do this slowly so it won't be noticed. Here are some things to think about before you make any moves:
- Physical safety – Don't wait until the final confrontation to think of where you and your children will go. Find the names and locations of safe houses near you. This information is often posted in public places, such as grocery stores, libraries, and churches. Try to connect with resources such as domestic violence programs and legal services if you can. Because pets are also members of the family, your spouse may use them to get to you. Check with safe houses to see if they accept pets. If they don't, they may help you find organizations and local charities to find people who will foster your pets until you find a family member to take them or have found a place of your own.
- Establish a meeting place in advance – If you have children, let them know, if your spouse becomes violent, they should leave the house and meet you at this safe place. Share the address of the safe house or tell them to go to the neighbor and call a family member. Assure them they will be alright and tell them not to come back into the house.
- Consult a Lawyer – When it's not safe to be alone with your spouse, seeing a lawyer is an excellent move. They can help you file a temporary restraining order along with the divorce papers, protecting you and your family from retribution. A lawyer will stay with you in court, making sure you understand each step of the divorce process, as well as doing whatever is necessary to keep you safe. If you are able to, contact a lawyer before you take any other steps.
Whenever you do have to talk to your spouse, remain calm. An abusive person feeds on fear and intimidation. If you are nervous about talking to your spouse, ask a friend or family member or even someone strong enough to protect you if the situation should become physical to go with you. If you can't bring yourself to meet in person, a phone call, email, or text message will work as well. Focus on your reasons for ending the marriage and avoid placing blame. If the conversation becomes heated or escalates, leave or hang up.
Finally, get support as you go through the process. Getting a divorce is a difficult process, and dealing with an abusive spouse makes it that much more difficult. Talk to friends, family, or see a therapist if you need to. If you have children, they will look to you for guidance. Be strong, not only for yourself, but for them.
Telling your abusive spouse you want a divorce might be scary, even dangerous. However, once you have taken this huge step, you'll be on your way to a safer, more fulfilling life.