It's difficult to help a friend through a divorce. Saying something supportive without making things worse can sometimes be tricky. Gestures like sending flowers help a little, but they are only a temporary comfort. However, there are many small things you can do that will help your friend get through this tough time.
The best thing you can do is the hardest: just listen. They're dealing with all sorts of emotions, from anger to sadness to relief, and talking can be a good outlet. Being a trusted friend who's willing to listen to perhaps the same stories over and over again at any time is the best gift you can give. Try not to ask too many questions. They'll share details when they're ready. As they go through the emotional roller coaster, reassure them with things like, “You're grieving, it's ok” or “It's your way of dealing with this. How can I help?” Don't be judgmental. Only say what will lift them up. And don’t make it worse by telling her things like, “In my divorce I got this or that, so you should, too.” That’s not helpful. Every case is different. What happened in your divorce may not be the same thing that happens in your friend’s divorce.
As time goes by, the divorce process will take more of your friend's time, and without the spouse who previously shared household responsibilities, things will get hectic. Here are some ways you can help:
- Help with daily chores – While your friend has to attend different meetings at different times, it's difficult to maintain a routine. Offer to pick the kids up from school or watch them while your friend is gone. Do the grocery shopping, run errands, or do some light housework. Anything to help things run smoothly at home.
- Help pack – Moving out of a home you and your family shared for years can be painful. Your friend may get bogged down in emotions of sadness or anger as they pack different items, making it difficult for them to stay on track. Help direct them, gently reminding them of what they're there to do. Keep things moving. Children will especially need help. If your friend is the one staying, help move things around to fill in the gaps for what's been removed or take them shopping for replacement items.
- Bring food – The divorce process takes time, and there will still be days when your friend won't have time to cook. A hot meal will always be welcome, especially if children are involved. If there are children, even an occasional pizza and a bottle of wine would be a great surprise!
- Invite your friend out – Those going through divorce tend to withdraw. Help them stay connected. Ask them to join you for lunch, dinner, or just coffee. Don’t take them out bar hopping because pictures of that could end up as exhibits in court.
- Speaking of court, going go court with your friend, even if you’re not testifying, is a great way to help and be a huge support.
- And finally, just ask! - Each person has different needs and they may need something you haven't thought of. Keep asking, “How can I help you?”
Going through a divorce is an extremely emotional time. In the end, no matter what you do, knowing that you have someone on your side can be best gift you can give them.